Adventures in Iyith

Da ba dee da ba daa
Episode 17

With the departure of their druid, our heroes, with heavy hearts continue on their divinely sanctioned mission to go somewhere and talk to somebody.  So boldly they trekked through the treacherous tripping trees of the Treaty Woods with their resident guide, Corrin, leading the way.  After several quad-lefts, the party encountered two halfings and the abomination that is a mouse in clothes… I mean where do we draw the line here.  We need some standards here people.  How can we say that we're better than animals if animals start wearing pants?  This world has gone mad! Mad I tell you!  Was it cute?  Yes… but we gotta have order here.

Anyways after the party parlayed with the group in the successful manner that we are all accustomed to, they parted ways.  The party continued into the woods, however they ran into problems with their horse: Crumpet.  To try and remedy the exhaustion of the horse, Xylund summoned an extraplanar being to be a beast of burden and the party decided that it was a good idea to LET THE ANGRY LITTLE MAN RIDE THE WOUNDED HORSE.

Barely two minutes passed before he ended up crashing the horse into a bridge (not that he cared, he loved it).  This kerfuffle attracted the immediate attention of a completely well intention and totally trustworthy woman named Stabby McBackstab III.  With the promise of helping Toast the horse the gang decided to follow the woman to he conveniently nearby house.

She had a blue house with a blue window,

Blue is the color of all that she wears,

Blue are the paths and all the trees are too,

She has lots of bugs and they are so blue,

Blue are the people here that walk around,

Blue like her mushrooms, it's in and outside

Blue are the words she says and what she thinks,

Blue are the feelings that live inside her.

The lady invited the party inside her hut which they delightfully accepted.  Upon leaving to go take care of Croissant the horse, The party realized they may have made a mistake.  They checked the door leading outside and it was locked leaving them trapped in the hut.  After 49 repetitions ofYakety Sax which included: Kern transforming into a cat, Davynn changing colors, growing elephant ears and being turned into a moose, Corrin nearly dying in a chimeny, Grennan himself had enough of this chaos is channeled a divine stroke of inspiration to his paldin causing Xylund to find the key they needed to get out of this fun house.  They also realized that their bone eater could potentially help them with the mysterious text they had completely forgot about which allowed them to find some potentially useful items.

With key and loot in tow, the party exited the fun house ragged and exhausted.  In an uncalled for act of defiance Corrin decided to take dump on the front porch of the hut.  I don't know why They make me follow this group it's just one childish thing after anoth… wait what… no that can't be right… really?  That's… unexpected… I mean Inelene said he was… you sure… whelp ok… aparently the poingnant poopy protest was not done by Corrin, but rather Kern.

The party split up their spoils, well some spoils were left behind… and continued on their righteous and holy quest.

*Note to self: I really need to talk to the boss about a raise

A rat by any other name would smell as sweet?
Episode 16

Our story continues with the party leaving Camp Venalis after Xylund "delivered a package" and "talked to" Meriel.  They trekked onward into the depths of the treaty woods, toward danger and adventure!  And Lo!  What should the encounter on their way to Dawn lake but the vicious and terrifying cabalistic sub-species of Moose native to the planes of Madness, known only as El Tomprinina Guartcho! (translated as "the one who passes wind in a crowded room").  This vicious beast had somehow clawed it's way into this plane, how else could it have appeared out of nowhere!?!  This Moose was not to be trifled with.  El Tomprinina Guartcho is rumored to be 25% moose, 30% poisonous toad, 15% fiend, 28% moody teenager, and 2% legume and 100%
Murder!  However, Annie, being knowledgeable in the lore of this infernal creature successfully remembered it's cannibalistic nature and offered it beans to calm it's impending fury!

After avoiding a potentially world shattering cataclysm and the hands of the murderous moose by mustering miniscule magical morsels, the party continued on their great and noble quest to save the Realm of Iyith.  Through out the trip, our heroes developed sporadic tinnitus until they came across a strange looking man/ogre/troll and rat bouquet enthusiast Uusilir.  He introduced himself to the party, informed them that Annie's clan needed her, and asked for help.  On the basis of Davynn's reading of Jack Dangerous: Time is Never Enough, the party agreed to help their new firbolg… friend? acquaintance? collegue? random person they just met and have no idea about his intentions or motives? yeah that's that's what I was looking for.  Anyways they proceeded being 100% confident that this was not a trap in anyway because of confidence in Ususilir that minutes of non-interrogative contact had filled them with.

Uusilir lead or keen and not at all guillible heroes to a large tree surrounded by dead rats that he himself admitted he killed…  Still not getting any creepy vibes from this guy, the party entered the tree to go rid it of "something".  They explored the cavernous tree searching for this disturbance.  Eventually Xylund, and Gayle decided that this place was 3spookie5them and started freaking out.  Ulric being the man, the myth, the legend that he is decided that the best way to deal with this unknown threat was to PRETEND like he had been influenced by the mystical forces in order to throw them off guard.  Small scrappy… Things then proceeded to ambush party.(except for Ulric who through his ability to see glimpses of the future saw this coming) 

Eventually finishing their extermination duties the part came across an enchanted door.  With minimal help from Kern and Annie Ulric expertly picked the lock revealing a Cathol Ros room of creepy ass shit.  Realizing that this stuff was above their pay grade and they should definetly NOT fuck with this, they returned to the firbolg that they had met but 10 minutes before to reveal the good news.  During this time, Gayle had a slight break from sanity which took slightly longer to remedy than the total amount of time the party had known the firbolg before that point.  After taking care of Gayle, the party tried to procure some sort of reward from the firbolg as Jack Dangerous did in the sacred text, but only got food supplies for their journey.  Annie however informed the party that she would not be joining them for this portion of their quest.  After some tearful goodbyes,
She went the road to sweet Ladani, hurroo, hurroo
She went the road to sweet Ladani, hurroo, hurroo
She went the road to sweet Ladani,
A quest in the heart and a tear in the eye
A doeful damsel we heard cry
Annie we harldly knew ye.

That Time I Stole a Horse

Dear Marston,

I realize it has been some time since sending you a progress report, and since I would rather you didn't give away my room to some chump who hasn't done a fraction of the hard work I have put in (like that chump Giles) I am writing to let you know that I am alive, well, still have all of my working parts (ALL of them), and I haven't been captured, abducted, or worse, killed.

This group of adventurers you sent me with, well, how do I put this…what do you see in them!?  Certainly they did you a favor and, as their is honor among thieves, you followed through on your word to supply them aid (why it was MY aid and not stupid Giles I will never understand) to accomplish their goal.  Did you know that their goal has something to do with a necromantic dwarf cult?  I'm assuming it is anyway; I have half a mind to think that they all have their own agendas and just don't realize they aren't physically tied to one another and can walk away at any time.  As for me, the only reason I haven't returned home and told you they all died in a fire or finished whatever nonsense they had set out to do is that I suspect they would drop everything to return to Lorholt and tattle on me.

All things aside, I have been finding ways to amuse myself (especially needed after the undead rabbit incident, I shall have to fill you in on that another time).  Today was seeming to be particularly wretched as we stayed overnight in a podunk little conglomeration of backwoods yokels that couldn't tell the difference between decent booze and their own shit.  Once we arrived back in Greyloch, though, things took an amazing turn.  We went to receive our new armor lovingly given for free by the Argent Order (a copy of some of their official parchments are attached to this letter, in case you may need to forge letterheads, signatures and writing styles in the future) and who should we find working the forges and looking for the world like he was trying to seduce Nysali herself but that clown Xylund.  For some reason he has decided to take a shining to the Druid, Annif.  Not my kind of girl, as I like them to be more sophisticated and with less body hair than me, but whatever he said worked (to his credit he did work the rose angle like the best of them).

After that it seemed he had packages to deliver to a bunch of people I have either never heard of or couldn't be bothered with remembering they existed, so I took the time to make Annif uncomfortable.  Her wretched little halfling keeps thinking I've done something terrible to her and is willing to tear me limb from limb on her order.  The little blighter has attacked me once already even when I was trying to help!  I swear that even though he seems like a uncultured lump with the brains of a rock he might actually be the smartest of the group.  He has shown an interest in learning some of the thieves trade, so hopefully I can keep him happy by mentoring him; maybe even turn him into something helpful down the line.

Speaking of helpful, I think this group of dunderheads seems to have forgotten WHY they have me along!  I could have easily procured a horse and wagon to carry their boxes for them for free, but they INSISTED I resort to normal haggling.  Between this and the way they throw gold around like copper, I think they want to be broke!  So I gathered their coinage (after helping myself to some) and conned a horse and wagon for them.  The horse is named Biscuit, in case you were wondering.  Sold the naming rights for a gold (more proof they don't like money).  I swear this town has problems.  I was able to barter for that boy Gayle easier than I did Biscuit.

In any case, we are soon to be off and playing the role of delivery boy and heading towards camp Venelis as our first stop.  

I will try to be more regular with correspondence, lest filthy Giles gets my things.  

Loyally yours, -Ulric La'carde

There are some who call me... Tim
Episode 14

'Twas cinder in the fields of woe

Did bumber's see that day;

All victus, the daft heroes

And so that's what they say.


"Beware the vermonus pest" said Cat

"The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the familial soul, in fact

Don't even mentiom that!"


They ambled and scoured all the land;

Long time the sneakly foe they sought—

So plumped down he, head in the weeds,

And waited while in fraught.


And in peceptivus thought they stood,

The pusal Bun-ne with eyes of flame

Came jumbling from far below,

And deftly lay slain.


Down to!  Down to!  And through and through

The simpletons wicted and wacked.

They found undead, but in her head

Was more ominous and black.


"And dammed have you my last child

Come they will to see her fall!

Out, out I say!  Leave far away!"

He frigently shunned them all.


'Twas cinder in the fields of woe

Did bumblers see that day:

All victus, the daft heroes

And so that's what they say.

Destiny's Child(s)
Episode 13

We open on our heroes after a successful day of them demonstrating the diplomacy and grace that we have come to expect from them.  Their drunken debauchery was interrupted by a disheveled and fishy smelling Kern bumbling into the inn at which they were staying.  After a “restful” night/morning (the party perceived this instance happening at different times because time is just a construct of human perception) the party decided to answer the call of Muted Throne and make their way to gain an audience with Nysali.

Surprisingly the party managed to focus up and not attracted undo attention to themselves although this was probably done out of fear of getting assaulted by the vicious rock throwers of Greyloch.  The magical letters of introduction written by Kat, seemed to get them into the castle just fine although they were forced to wait for Her Grace to see them.  In the waiting room the party met mega ultra-special Davynn crush and the Colonel of the Argent Order.  Although the initial exchange when a little rocky the party enacted the Dr. Clark’s famous method for Avoiding Blame and Achieving Success:

Deny:  What happened wasn’t our fault.

Deny: We did nothing that could have provoked the inn incident.

Deny: Really Nothing!

Counter: If we had the right information we could have prevented this.

Accuse: I mean if you think about it it’s really Kat’s fault.

Belittle: She was totally irresponsible and acted in a manner unbecoming of the argent order member.

Berate:  Kat is just the worse!

Luckily the Colonel wanted to deep fry Kat just like he does every day with his signature fried chicken, coated in 11 herbs and spices and served with your choice of two sides and a drink except in this instance the sides are a Court Martial and the drink is an execution or at the very least a dishonorable discharge.  Finally our crew had found a successful way to navigate the dangerous waters of social interaction. 

After an intense session of Kat hate the party and their companions bounded through mutual animosity were granted an audience with Her Grace herself.  Included in this shindig was the aforementioned reviled Kat and the Bomb-Bad General himself Mister Scaly.  The party recounted their previous adventures and the events that lead them to this point and explained that the incident at the inn could in no way be their fault. 

During the explanation, Fall 2017 Vogue cover model, Ulric threw some major (even though he was a General) shade at Mister Scaly and was thankfully saved by the grace of Her Grace.  After the recap had been given Nysali, Scaly and his Argent Entourage minus Kat left to discuss a plan of action that had nothing to do with the party, but not before they left there was a tense moment where Nysali and Kat locked eyes and Careless Whispers (wink win nudge nudge if you know what I mean) played throughout the room.  The party then proceeded to try and sort out their issues with Kat to varying degrees of success.  It was during this time that the impeccable decisions of the previous day came to light and they realized that maybe they should not have given up Bowyn to complete strangers… or bought a child. 

Anyways, they learned that shit was fucked up with the clerics of Nenameth.  Apparently some sort of filthy dream eater or whatever the politically correct term for them is, are currently trying to influence them through their holy symbols or something.  Kat gave the party the opportunity to back out if they wanted however, whether it was because of courage or stupidity, none of them backed down.  Nysali returned to them to verify that they would risk their lives to figure out what the hell was going on.  Everyone confirmed their willingness to be fodder of destiny and decided that the best course of action would be to go figure out what the orb actually was and repo that shit from the kobolds.  After all of this, the degenerates that are the party were invited to a grand feast that night by Nysali herself.  They all agreed and as she left, Xylund coolly and confidently let Nysali know that her obvious interest in him was flattering but he was a lone wolf and that he couldn’t be tied down and that maybe after he heroically saved the world they could possible grab a drink sometime… or something similar to that.

After Her Grace left, the party talked to Kat and “gave her ass a checklist: one gold watch, two gold chains, six gold rings, it nothing, (God Dayum) Og Jordans, them high socks, no shirt on, they’re stunting (Okay)”.  To kill time before the feast half the party decided that the royal garden didn’t look good enough and proceeded to make it much more better despite what the haters said.  Xylund and Ulric went to go and secured their purchase of Gayle.

The feast was amazing, and there was merriment to be had everywhere.  Davynn was learning the differences in fish, Ulric was living the life he always wanted, Corrin was arm wrestling all the guards, it was great.  The only problem was that Nysali wasn’t there, probably because she was super embarrassed that she confessed her feelings for Xylund and she needed time to recover.

The party was then offered a place to sleep in the castle that night which they took up even though it meant bunking together (except Ulric, who is way too much of a man for anyone to sleep in the same room with).  They all fell asleep not wandering the castle and totally didn’t have any sort of nightmares as disembodied voices whispered throughout the halls.

Everyone Else Is An Idiot But I Make Perfect, Irreproachable Decisions

Lookit me, drinking tea like a civilized gentleman. Barely any vodka in it at all. Sitting outside the inn, watching the mist burn away while the city wakes up, sipping tea with pinky finger extended.

Feeling clear. Calm. Kinda nice to be home, unexpectedly. Nobody does beautiful ruins quite like Greyloch.

Mostly calm. One fly in the tea.

Would've been so easy to let the little fly drown. No-one could've blamed me. He was asking for it. All I had to do was… nothing. What dumb species of mayfly goes to a Lord Priest of Ryldis and asks, “So what are your thoughts on innate magic? Asking for a friend.” Okay, so I should've stopped that plan in its tracks before we even got to the church, that's fair, but I was preoccupied. And then he can't even maintain THAT flimsy ruse for half a minute, he's gotta launch into a full confession! He was two seconds away from being ushered into a back room for some magical neutering. Which would've upset Kern, but we could always get a new Davynn. I imagine they're the primary export of Whitfeld, if it even exists. Grow them in the fields, probably. When it's harvest time, their potato faces pop out of the soil and they say, “Hi! I'm Davynn from Whitfeld! What's your name? Would you be my friend?” That's how you know they're ripe.

Because there's no way a Davynn reaches maturity on its own, not with those survival instincts. And he thinks I'm not NICE! First of all, fine, I'm not nice, I'll own that, but second, would it be NICER of me to let you bob along in your weird little Whitbubble until it runs up on the reefs of reality? Better a controlled depressurization in a safe environment than a sudden, explosive pop, wouldn't you say? Wake up, potatohead! Katt literally altered your mind and you STILL think she's nice. Kern needs to stop coddling you.

But whatever. Lovely misty morning. Calm. Luckily I had the letters from Nysali on me. I waved those at the Lord Priest and he took a look at her seal and decided to maybe leave us alone for now. And we got out of there before he realized that Davynn had friends'ed him.

Yeah, about those letters. While the others were throwing rocks at people and getting themselves immortalized on wanted posters, a certain beacon of order and rationality was actually getting shit done. Found out where Katt was – apparently with the Argent Order – and managed to get in to see her, but there was no way to talk to her without passing by the others, who were trying to pry Davynn away from the recruitment table in the courtyard of Barren Hold (see above, re: economy of Whitfeld). So while she seemed more or less receptive to my note of apology, relations quickly deteriorated due to our collective penchant for misunderstanding and nonsense. Katt and Annie reeeeeaaaaally don't like each other. If we ever have to deal with the dream eater again, might not be a bad idea to chain Annie up somewhere. But then she'd probably just turn into a bird and stick her beak in my business anyway…. Still, we got out of there with our letters of introduction (or whatever they are, don't want to break the seals to find out in case that invalidates them) so we should be allowed into Caeracht whenever Kern gets back from his god stuff.

Don't leave me alone with these people again, Kern. Like corralling… what's worse than kittens. Corrins. Like corralling Corrins. Hand's shaking a bit just thinking about them. Tranquility ebbing.

I thought Ulric at least would be a voice of reason and restraint, since he seems to know what's what, but… not so much. He doesn't seem at ALL interested in this Nysali business, or to understand that we're kinda in this together, at least for now. Afterwards, who knows, but it was a group summons, so if we show up a person short, it's not gonna start things off on the best footing. If I had a copper for every time he said, “Why am I here?” or “Do you need me here?” or “I'm taking a bath,” I'd have… I dunno, it's too early for math. Obviously I love a good, hot bath but there was AMPLE time for a thorough scrubbing this morning. Get your head in the game, man!

Although I was surprised by the depths of his confusion when I gave him a brief rundown of our recent history, and it occurred to me that no-one's really taken the time to lay out what's going on to him. He didn't even know that he'd been summoned by Nysali! But I don't want to set a precedent by becoming the explainer guy. Not sure who among us fits that niche though. Still, take your questions elsewhere, Ulric! We need an Ulric to explain things to Ulric.

Still and all, he did a good job with the minimal information I gave him. Enough to get the job done. It seemed easiest – although, in hindsight, maybe not advisable – to return Bowyn to the Mount rather than travel all the way to Northshire, since Daralei and Nenemeth are basically the same thing if you squint at them from far away, and it seemed unlikely that the sole remaining caretaker of the temple in Northshire, Whaserface the Stew Lady, would be able to pay us our reward. And I was headed to the Mount anyway, for my own reasons, so we'd be killing two birds with one stone.

Well, we killed those birds, and we did use a stone… but it was not a single shot strike, bouncing from one bird to the next. A much messier affair.

Maester Ludum of Daralei wasn't too keen on letting us leave with Bowyn after it became obvious that he wasn't gonna pay us for her, so there goes that reward up in smoke. Maybe they'll help her, at least…? Hard to say. Ludum didn't strike me as a particularly charitable guy. We kinda whiffed our whole presentation though, which began badly when Gayle told the priests that Bowyn was dead and we were there to arrange for her disposal, and then got worse as we all tried to explain and salvage the situation at once. Davynn came up with the idea of passing around a speaking rock so that we weren't talking over one another, which probably didn't lend an air of legitimacy or even basic competence to our endeavour, but whatever. I urged Davynn to give Gayle the rock, because his notes on what happened at the Nowhere Inn were – we discovered – impressively comprehensive, and I thought his explanation would be similarly clear and factual. He did his best. Only peed himself a little.

But anyway, after all that nonsense, I was pretty rattled and realized that I'd made a critical tactical blunder by associating myself with those… what's a NICER word than cretins? Because I'd need all the credibility I could muster for the much trickier negotiations to follow, to wit, the liberation of Gayle from his life of meaningless servitude in the Mount. If I hadn't been starting on my back foot, Ludum and I could've come to terms while sipping tea like civilized gentlemen. Instead, I babbled some bullshit and then fled to grab Ulric, the alleged silver-tongued rogue.

And to give him his due, he gleaned enough sense from my babble to negotiate with Ludum on my behalf and – long story slightly less long – we got Gayle! The rest is just details. I mean, there were a couple of TINY conditions. We have to help Gayle investigate the makers of stuffed dwarves if we ever come across them, and if he dies, we owe the church of Daralei 1000 gold. Well… scratch that. I wanted Ludum to add a clause to the contract saying that he wouldn't try to kill Gayle himself in order to squeeze us for the gold, and he took some mild offence at that and added another 500 gold to the penalty – which just about made Ulric's head burst – but like I said, trivial details. Although we better get the kid some armour, or at least some reinforced robes.

I suppose, from the outside, it might look like I exercised poor judgment there. But this is why, in spite of everything, beneath the turbulence, I'm serene. I don't have ALL the steps plotted out yet, but I can see the path ahead so clearly, and it's goddamn beautiful. First we need Gayle. Done. Next I need to figure out this grapple gun. In progress. The step after that will figure itself out. But THIS is where I live, right on the edge of the storm, carving sense out of noise. No room for regret or second-guessing. Only forward.

City's fully awake now. Veil of mist's gone, all the surfaces naked and obscene. Now I remember why I left. Was hoping to intercept the messenger with the contract from Ludum before the others woke – hence the early morning, outdoor tea – but the innkeeper has instructions to deliver it to me in secret if it arrives while I'm out. No need to worry the Sweetness & Light Brigade unduly. Gayle won't die because he CAN'T die. End of story.

People and their petty commerce, their unwashed smells. I'll hang around a bit longer, take another look at the grapple gun while I wait. Broken as it is, it makes sense, somewhere in there.

Grappler? I hardly even know her.
Episode 11

With our heroes having a totally peaceful and not at all scary sleep, they wake to find that the day they’ve all been waiting for has finally come: the day they finally “rescue” Bowyn.  So the party goes together to retrieve Bowyn and meet their ride out of town.  Wait… What? They split the party?  Really?  They’re trying to smuggle out Lorholt’s most wanted and they send the least stealthy person by himself to go retrieve her… that’s a bold strategy Cotton, Let’s see if it pays off for them.


Surprisingly though their plan went off without a hitch.  The met Sharkira’s men at the green, no red no… stupid color blindness… at the east north eastern gate that was guarded by people in red… green… red… green… screw it they were wearing cloaks that were some sort of color.  The Tide secured Bowyn in a carriage hidey hole.  Xylund proceeded to “make friends” with the dwarven carriage driver who informed them that they would be heading to Greyloch.  With everyone ready to get underway and all the preparations made, the party proceeded to wait around for an hour as more passengers loaded into the caravan.  You’d think that going into enemy territory and retrieving a mysterious box would get them a private trip out of the city, but nooooooo.  They had to share their caravan with mere peasants.


Once all the others were loaded in, they made their way out of Lorholt.  However, much to the disappointment of this narrator and all of the party’s fangirls, cool guy and 1989s number one summer heart throb Ulric did not join the party in their cramped carriage.  Instead they were accompanied by a very clearly unhinged woman who was obviously just barely keeping it together and some boy around Davynns age who was carrying around some fancy learning books who was apparently something called a bone eater, gross why would people even do that, to each their own I guess.


Forming a miniaturized taser with his fingers Kern tried to discern the exact moment they left the Gnoll zone.  As soon as there was a spark, he slammed his hands down onto Davynn heart, pulp fiction style, in attempts to revive him.  However this was unsuccessful.  The party inside the carriage then conscripted the boy with the fancy books to try and figure out what was going on, but to little success especially since he was being a little bitch and insisting that Annie and Davynn were dead.  They were only mostly dead, geeze hasn’t anyone seem Princess Bride.  After musing with Corrin for a bit.  The compartment containing Bowyn started making noise.  They quickly remedied this problem by tearing the seat from its hinges revealing the priestess.  She examined the paralyzed party members and attempt some next level magic on them and by next level I mean several levels higher than the 2nd level lesser restorations that Kern was pumping into them.  This was the good stuff, not any of that crap cut with flour, this was 100% grade A divine power infused directly into the blood stream.  Feels good man.  It worked… kinda… Davynn was able to move for a few seconds, enough to let the party know that Annie probably had an idea of what was ailing them. 


After a few short seconds of disbelief that uber magic wouldn’t work Corrin realized that the party had never taken the barbs out of the wounds…


The next few seconds were a mad rush of movement as a mass of humanity tumbled in this tiny carriage in attempts to find the correct people to take out the poisonous barbs.  The crazy lady in the carriage randomly decided to snap at this point and left for one of the other carriages in the caravan because she was having a break down that in no way had anything to do with the party and their antics.   After the remnants of the needles were removed, Bowyn attempted to get Annie up but was only able to do so for a couple of seconds, during which time Annie revealed to the party that the only cure was Wyddin root, which was resistant to magic.  With that Bowyn contacted Tuvaris and told him to bring some to an inn on the edge of the Treaty Woods.  Despite the significance of this moment a dark secret was discovered: the secret owl.  When the party mentioned the owl that they believed to be Bowyn’s to Bowyn, she had no recollection of such an owl existing.  It was then that the party discovered their true nemesis.  So they took upon themselves, a holy quest, sanction by the great grappling gun in the sky to figure out what the hell this owl was supposed to be and neutralize the threat to the gears that keep the world turning.


Anyways, the days continued to pass by in the caravan.  The healers of the party would enhance Bowyn’s magic every day to allow for the paralyzed party members to move for a couple of seconds and down a goodberry to keep them alive.  This continued for a couple of days into the treaty woods.  Every day Annie would check to see if there was Wydinn root in the area.  This lead to the shocking discovery that a source of Wydinn root was constantly 5 miles behind them every day which totally didn’t mean a potential ambush.  One of the nights Annie was able to conjure and owl messenger (“we don’t have secret owls hidden up our sleeves”) and send it to the Venelis Elves to ask for aid.


Later in that night, there seemed to be some sort of hubbub with the other guards.  Xylund decided to share the party’s information that there were people stalking the caravan and Xylund’s dwarvish “friend” told him that there had been knoll sightings and that they were waiting for a dead drop from Hellica.  Kern then argued with the patrol saying that they should change to a defensible formation and set traps.  This went on for like 10 minutes only to have Bowyn point out that they don’t have the material components for the spell he was trying to cast (see ‘I’m at soup’ for full transcript of the conversation). 


The party is shaken from their stupor by the other caravans fleeing.  Jumping into their carriage with Bowyn and the Bone eater, Xylund makes the executive decision to head toward the Venelis clan which according to Corrin’s reckoning is decently close.  Unfortunately in all they chaos, there was a casualty.  Ulric, People magazine’s sexiest man alive for 5 straight years, was separated from the party.  Far across the distance and spaces between us you have come to show you, go on.  Near, Far, Wherever you are, I believe that our hearts will go on.


Despite the emotional trauma of the moment.  The Xylund was able to drive the carriage like a badass through the night at breakneck pace to flee from the encroaching Gnolls.  After a thrilling night of the chase, the party runs into their old friend Stohana who leads them back to the Elvin village.  The party is tended to by Meriel and there are emotional celebrations as the formerly paralyzed members regain control of their bodies. 


The rest of the day is punctuated by some interparty conversations which will be summed up below:


Kern and Annie:  Annie says she understands why Kern wanted to revert her and that she was sorry for being a bit useless.  Kern says that he was glad that it didn’t come to that and attempts to patch up Annie’s self-confidence by pointing out all the things they couldn’t have done without her.  There’s some awkward conversation that leads to some sweet moments but at least the air cleared about that whole “beating her into a pulp until she reverts” misunderstanding.


Davynn and Stohanna: Davynn is taken by Stohanna back to her place (bow-chick-wow-wow) where she teaches him the subtle art of mixing dangerous chemicals together.  Luckily, Dangerous is Davynn’s alter ego’s last name.  He not only excels in learning how to make poisons, but he channels his inner Ulric and suavely leaves Stohanna with a sexy one-liner.


Xylund and Gayle (the bone eater): Lots of expositional dumping about stuffed dwarves.  Seriously some cool stuff, but this narrator doesn’t want this log to go on for too long.  He also learns about things… thing that only come out at night, the lean and hungry types, nothing that’s new, he just hasn’t seen them before.  Watching and waiting, Ooh they’re out stalking you to cloud your mind forever more.  So what was plainly seen.  What you think, no longer a thing.  These creatures are wild, a she-cat tamed by the purr of a Jaguar.  Your brain is their plater.  If you’re trapped in their claws.  You ain’t gonna get too far.  Oh Oh here they come. Watch out boy they’ll chew you up.  Oh Oh here they come.  They’re a Dream Eater.


Xylund and Davynn:  Xylund hatches a plan to make Davyn king of the Kobolds and the two have a conversation about chaos being the real enemy.  Xylund opens up slightly to Davynn only the have the door slammed in his face.


Xylund and Annie:  Once again Annie attempts to clear the air about the “misunderstanding” and tries to convey that she hopes that they can be friends and that hopefully she’ll be useful in her 3000 years of life.  Xylund comforts her in the only way he knows how: by telling her to do better next time.


The rest of the day/evening followed by copious amounts on music, dancing, friendship, and drugs… lots of drugs.




"I can do all thing through the Grappling Gun who gives me strength"- Gnomians 4:16
Episode 10

Long before Iyith, was formed from the primordial chaos, the Gods created a weapon of great and terrible power.  Many wars were fought over it, many people died in its name, families turned on each for they were so drawn to its power. Eventually the Gods hid this weapon away for fear that its power would destroy the mortal realm and erased all mention of it from the histories of the world.  It stayed hidden until a mysterious elf found it, fearing its power, he hid it away in a secret room in a holy place underneath a desk. There it stayed hidden until its greatness drew the attention of 6 intrepid adventures…


Our heroes continue their journey in Lorholt in unfavorable circumstances.  Corrin, having just come out of the underground lair, poked his head up and was met with an arrow in the face.  Feeling a strange surge of grappling power come over him and Davynn, the duo promptly pulled this would be assailant into the basement while Kern, also inspired by the spiritus aprehendit (the legendary will of the grapple) secured the prisoner.  After various unsuccessful negotiation/intimidation attempts, their prisoner refused to talk which lead to him being knocked the fuck out.


The party then tried to plan the best route of escape from the Falanuran, but were constantly interrupted by their prisoner waking up, which was quickly remedied. There planning session was cut short by an arrow hitting the building they were in forcing them to take action.  Annie, Davynn, Corrin, and Ulric made a mad dash to the river, which ended up being more or less successful.  They ended up making it down there, but half the group ended up paralyzed by the needle traps that had been laid by the Falanuran.  Luckily Annie was able to turn into “a magnificent specimen and a straight beaut”  of a crocodile before she succumbed to paralysis, allowing Ulric and Corrin to use her as a floatation device across the poop river (I don’t remember it’s actual name, or if it was given one so poop river is canon in my head), although it pooped them out they successfully made it to the safer side of the river . 


Meanwhile Kern and Xylund drew fire from the quickly approaching Falanuran.  The held the building until to group made it to the water and then sprinted to the river with a dilapidated table overhead providing cover.  Although they successfully dodged most of the poisoned arrows, Xylund was hit by one and Kern stepped on a needle trap.  Luckily, Xylund was not paralyzed but he seemed to be struck by yew and he made Kern move, because he was standing still (almost).  Then their bodies matched what the set out to do and then the moved right through: them on their way to poo.


Upon getting to the river bank, Xylund and Kern used their old table to float across the river.  However, there was only room for one of them on it so Kern insisted that Xylund take it so that he could stay out of the cold poop.  They spent hours waiting for a rescue ship in the freezing cold as Celine Dion played in the back ground and Xylund promised to never let go as Kern courageously fought to stay afloat, but eventually succumbed to the hypothermia. At least that’s how Kern remembers it, because he totally wasn’t a little bitch that couldn’t move the makeshift life raft despite his extensive experience in water. Eventually rescue came in the form of the S.S. Annie piloted by Capt. Corrin. And they made their way to safety.  Ulric meanwhile had “secured” Davynn in a safe place and went to get a drink.


When the passengers of Annie hit shore they realized that they couldn’t carry a giant crocodile around without attracting attention, so Kern and Xylund attempted to put Annie out of her misery.  However, Corrin, despite his stature provided to be quite the obstacle so they decided to try and find someone who could cure Davynn and Annie.  Ulric, Xylund, and Kern scouted around town for someone who could cure the paralysis of their friends, only to find an old woman who likes to bury people alive.


Returning unsuccessfully they found Corrin finger painting and attempting to eat a strange powder from the fun dip packet of death that they had taken from their Elven prisoner, who they left to a horrible fate underneath a bed in Falanuran territory (it was his fault for not talking when he had the chance). 


Eventually the party decided to go back to The Girl with the Shark Tattoo and show him what they found.  After entering the tide headquarters with 2 paralyzed people and covered in poo they presented the box and paper’s that they brought back. Luckily, they were enough to satisfy the Happy Days episode where Fonzi jumps the shark and he promised the party that they would have a caravan to get them out of the city at the Green gate at dawn.


Upon leaving the tide and Sharkypants, most the part returned to the house of lady favors to get washed up and introduce Annie to the concept of a reverse harem. Kern meanwhile went to make sure Bowyn was still where they left her and that she was good to go in the morning and leave through the Red gate.  With all the dangerous stuff done (hopefully) and 2 paralyzed members, the party rested up ready to face the next day and get out of this non magical city.

Lorholt adventures, part2, the reckoning, reloaded: Cult of the grappling gun
Episode 9

With our heroes finishing a productive meeting with Shark Bait Oh Ah Ha they set out on their quest to find a locked box. Even though they totally knew where they were going and how to get there, they still had some hurdles to get over.  Getting proper equipment was relatively easy thanks to the suave and smexy Ulric who procured for them all the supplies that a good burglar would need.  Once everything was purchased the group realized that they were lacking something vital.  No, they weren’t lacking a decent plan.  No, they weren’t lacking a specific location with a good idea of what to get from it.  Alas, what was missing was a grappling gun. Roused by this new devotion gnomish engineering the party took upon themselves a holy quest.  One that would lead them to the promised land of grappling guns.

Cut short by certain people’s desire to get the plot moving and not dwell on how awesome grappling guns are, the party eventually decides to make their way through Lorholt to where Shark Fin soup told them to go.  Knowing that they’d probably be in danger, the party tried to take an inconspicuous path to where the Falanuran district was.  Despite being the stealthiest people to ever exist, they were slightly noticed.  On their way through one of the poorer districts they basically rampaged through multiple homes and camps as locals looked on in fear at these crazy people gallivanting on roof tops. When they got to the central river where they saw that they were about to enter enemy territory they stopped to reevaluate their plan.  Now faced by the fact that they actually had to act out their “plan” they party paused to reconsider everything. They realized that Shark week may have given them an impossible task to do, which lead to endless discussion about whether or not to abandon their current mission.

Out of sheer boredom, Corrin, decided to talk to one of the homeless people and stumbled into the plot.  Earning the trust of the common folk turned out to be a key turning point in the groups endeavor and turned them onto a possible lead.  Lead to a kid called Miles, the young boy told them about an excavation project that the Falanuran were working on and where they could find it. 

Excitedly, the party ferried their way across to poop river via the S.S. Ann(ie).  Curious as to why the entire town seemed abandoned, the party “snuck” into what appeared to be an old shop to investigate the dig site.  They soon found a trap door that lead down to some strange underground place and additionally discovered that they had been noticed and people were currently stalking them.  Right away, most of the party jumped down through the trap while Mr. “I’m a charisma Rogue” tried convince they people tracking the party not to kill them.

Inevitably that failed and the party found themselves in an old underground basement that looked like it hadn’t been lived in for years (with the exception of one torch sconce).  Confused as to what to do next the party went all Scooby doo and split up to search for clues (if you call opening up a stuffed dwarf to find “booty” searching for clues) , which turned out to actually be useful.  After searching through the entirety of the sub terrain hidey hole, the party found a strange and familiar symbol on one of the walls and pressed it revealing a hidden room.  Very “carefully” the entire party shoved themselves into the tiny secret room and started investigating in a totally thorough and not spastic in any way manner.  Examining the room yielded a whole bunch of strange alchemic papers, a lock box, and that which had been but a mere legend an hour before hand…

Na na na na “Corrin found a Grapling gun”.

Upon getting their holy artifact, lock box, and papers, they exited the underground area and were met with an arrow directly in Corrin’s face held by a very upset elf.  Even though the party was surrounded and all hope was lost, they still knew what they had to do (first letter of every sentence).

"We're pirates..."
Episode 8

After successfully “convincing” Sardrith to take them to the Marked who are currently in possession of Priestess Bowyn, the party concocts a full proof plan that will get them in and out of Lorholt, no problem, guaranteed, 60% of the time every time.  By simply adopting the guise of a well-known pirate crew their plan was as follows:


Phase one: Infiltrate Lorholt by acting like pirates and find Bowyn.


Phase two: ????


Phase three: Profit$$$ (<wbr />watch?v=HMuYfScGpbE)


The party said their good byes to general Meda and marched toward Lorholt with Sardrith in tow.  Attempting to hide her (see I finally got it right!) true power, Annie feigned having to go to a clan meeting, changed into a monkey, and then rejoined to group as said monkey without anyone in the group batting an eye.  The DM didn’t have her roll for deception to fool Sardith, so I think the role playing was so on point that it was basically just a gimmie that Sardith fully believed that a topical monkey was living in a temperate zone and just so happened to join the group 10 minutes after they lost a party member.  Things were looking up for the party.  The newly created pirate crew consisting of: Envy, Sloth, “Kid” Jack Dangerous, Jack the monkey, and Master Blaster made their way to the gates of Lorholt to see men in Crimson capes fighting a group of gnolls.


The party immediately noped the fuck out of there and was led by Sardrith into the sewers to the Marked, much to the dismay of Xylund/Sloth.  The sewer was also infested with the Gnoll clan of Dreckcast murderlizing people.  It was at this time they realized that magic did not work in the city of Lorholt.  (editor’s note: maybe next time we should focus on killing the Drekcast Clan, maybe that’ll get rid of the Gnoll zone in Lorholt and we’ll be able to use magic.)  Sardrith eventually led the party to her people, The Marked. Unfortunately the party didn’t get to use their incredibly well thought out and intricate plan on the Marked because it turned out that the marked was like 5 people and 3 of those 5 people already knew who the party was.  You think that Sardrith would have mentioned something like: “Oh yeah, by the way, you know those two people who locked me up in a cage like a week ago that you all saved me from?  Yeah we’re friends now and they’re part of the Marked.  So even though you have a very cool, very sexy plan it might not work on us because we already know who you are.  Oh also I forgot… We’re only 5 people…Ok got back to planning.”  However not having this information, the party had a slightly award meeting with the Marked who turned out to be more than happy to hand over Bowyn to the party because she was not worth the trouble.  Turns out that the Gnolls have a bounty on her head and it would be near impossible to get Bowyn out of the city in one piece, even if they were pirates (hehe).


So in an attempt to get Bowyn out of town and more importantly salvage their totally awesome and in no way hastily concocted plan, the party decided to parley with the tide.  So the first place they decided to go was where they believe they’ll have the best chance to run into someone associated with the Tide.  They headed to the market where flags bearing the tide’s emblem hung in the streets… wait… I’m getting a new update now… it turns out the party did not go to market but instead went to a whore house… Cool.  While at the house of lady favors, the party cleaned off the sewage that they had to crawl through to get into Lorholt and got a little “somethin’ somethin’” for Davynn/”kid” Jack Dangerous.  Annie/The Baroness/The Green Barroness/the former monkey formerly known as “Jack the Monkey” for some reason made a big deal about not wanted to share a bath with Kern/Envy, Xylund/Sloth, Corring/Master Blaster and was forced to use the cold baths that the ladies of the house used.


Upon refreshing themselves, a devilishly handsome man descended down on a cloud from plot device heaven and delivered unto the party a way to meet the Tide.  After his cunning and near God-like insight into seeing that Corrin/Master Blaster’s real name wasn’t MasterBlaster, Davynn/”kid” Jack Dangerous still riding the high on whatever happened upstairs managed to convince this lovable rogue that they were in fact pirates and that they should meet with his boss.  With their plan going perfectly, the man with a chiseled jawline so sharp it could cut iron took the part to the head of the Tide Sharkman Mcgee (once again I don’t have my notes I’m just going off memory). 


The party negotiates with Sharky McSharkface to try and get safe passage out of town for goods they’re going to “ship” for him and their “cargo”.  It turned out that Sharkinson Tunabreath wanted something in the city and the party of totally believable pirates needed to prove themselves to him by capturing it.  It’s all very vague, but Pope Shark Paul II did tell them that they were looking for lock boxes and to bring with them as many as they could, he even offered the rugged charlatan and number one ladies man: Ulric as help for the mission.  However, still motivated by whatever happen upstairs at “the house of the rising sun” Davynn/”kid” Jack Dangerous felt a little ballsy and took a small jab at the sexuality of the Oscar nominated film Shark Tale starring Will Smith and Jack Black.  Even though Mr. Sharknado seemed to take offense to it, but all he did was get angry and point a hollow tube at them and then send them on their way.  With that, the party set off to form another full proof plan to rob some place they don’t know, to get a mysterious object that they have no clue as to what it may be, so that they can give it the head of the Tide: The artist formerly known as Shark.  What could go wrong?  Cue heist music (<wbr />watch?v=XAYhNHhxN0A)


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